Finding the 9%

There is meaning in the shared pain of surviving financial infidelity

[Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash]

In my last post, I wrote about the annual Bankrate survey on financial infidelity among Americans in committed relationships. Of the various statistics, the study reports that nine percent of respondents say they’re keeping secret what they consider to be major sources of debt, expenses or income.

Defrauded and duped by my then-significant other, I am a member of the “nine percent club.”

Who else is out there?

It didn’t take long to find someone.

Lying face down on a massage table, a therapist dug deep into the fascia of my legs.

“Breathe,” she told me, as I squirmed beneath her, trying to adjust to the pain. It was a good hurt, I reminded myself, deeply breathing in, then exhaling. It would help me play tennis, prepare for the national championship next month. Stay with it, I told myself.

“What do you do?” she asked. She was trying to divert my attention from the treatment, which I appreciated.

“Write,” I groaned.

“Oh, like a book?” she asked.

“Yeah, getting one published,” I said with all the breath I had left.

“What’s it about?” she probed.

I breathed in deeply, then exhaled again. She’d moved her hands to a less painful area of my leg. I could breathe a little more.

“Oh, just that my husband defrauded me.”

She stopped moving.

“I just got chills,” she said. “Please keep going.”

“It’s a long story. I stayed too long. He got sick. I thought he’d change.”

“What else?” she asked.

We talked for a half-hour after she finished the treatment. She shared that her husband defrauded her, robbed her blind. He had open heart surgery. She stayed. Until she couldn’t anymore. She divorced him. He moved in with her parents. She was supporting three children by herself. She was in the thick of the mess, her youngest child only 14.

Her story mirrored mine in many ways. My heart broke for her.

I was meeting the nine percent.

We both had tears in our eyes. We understood each other, shared the same pain. It was remarkable.

I know there are more out there like us. Finding ways to make sense of being defrauded by someone you loved. Looking for the way forward.

This week or next I expect to receive the proof-read copy of my book for review. My book has always held meaning for me. It holds more now.